Boxer Briefs
I am a man of sensitive crotch and low tolerance for netherpants that ride up, bunch up, wedge in, or clamp down. I wear boxer briefs because they’re the least of groin evils: not so big and flowing that they turn into an unwanted upturned skirt around my waist (boxers), but not so small that they put an unholy V-grip on my jewelry, either (briefs).
The problem is, most boxer briefs are still constructed rather shoddily. They can be heavy, thick, too high, too low, weirdly fitted around the John Thomas area, too weak to stand up to weekly washing.
I was about to give up on the whole affair and switch - god, switch to what? Not the underoo-free lifestyle I briefly experimented with in college, dear lord not that again - when I decided to ask twitter how they felt, really felt about this whole issue. I got some recommendations. (Thanks!) I got some puzzled twooks (twitter looks? I don’t know) from people who didn’t understand that there was a problem at all. I got jokes questioning my manhood. (Thanks!)
Something flipped in my mind and I was somehow ready to blow serious money on a pants-testing. And now I bring you my findings. Here are the men’s boxer briefs this man liked:
1. Patagonia Men’s Active Sport Boxer Briefs $32
You know that feeling when you go out running or playing soccer or something on a hot day, and your shirt is soaking wet, and you take it off to cool off, and then you put it back on for the walk home, and it feels like putting on a gross wet octopus? These are like the opposite of that. Stepping into them is like stepping into a leg-hole-shaped cloud. “Stick your leg into me,” they seem to say seductively. And I do. And it feels so good.
Material: A+; Bunching up: B; Durability: A+; Fit: A
Sad note: These used to come in a non-“sports” flavor; some reviewers say the sports version is a bit weird, with an unusually short inseam. Boo?
2. ExOfficio Men’s Give-N-Go Boxer Brief $20
This is a good pair, really good. They’re breathable, light, and rock-solid. The elastic keeps its elasticity, the color stays bright. They’re not Patagonias, but if I’d never tried those, I’d be perfectly happy storing my junk in this trunk. Good job, oddly named underwear!
Material: A-; Bunching up: B; Durability: A; Fit: B+
3. Pact Boxer Brief $24
These are totally the Prius of the underwearld. (See what I did there.) A very well made and well fitting pair of BBs, and with an eco-groovy pedigree. They’re constructed out of organic cotton and shipped in a compostable envelope (instead of the totally overkill blister pack some of these came in - gross). Soy ink and stuff, the full deal. They’re perhaps a bit thick and heavy for my ‘nad nook, but I respect the craftsmanship.
Material: B; Bunching up: B; Durability: B; Fit: B-
4. Under Armour Men’s O Series BoxerJock Bottoms $19.99
These were a very popular twitter suggestion. Maybe it’s the awesoume Knight’s-Tale-style name; maybe it’s the totally chill price. Either way, you can buy the heck out of these on Amazon. And they’re, again, a really decent product. They feel like a slightly cheaper version of the ExOfficio’s. The thing is, I have to dock them one big point for being the only pair that was entirely too small to contain my priority package in the size I normally wear, M. More like M for Murder with these bad, bad boys. L worked, and it made me feel a bit bummed out. Hey, I wear S in shirts!
Material: B; Bunching up: B-; Durability: B; Fit: C+
I have also tried the following brands, and found them anywhere from “barely acceptable” to “completely unacceptable”. Note that my taste in crotch baskets has become extremely refined since trying the Patagonias, so this is all very lah-de-dah of me. If your sack-slacks work for you, enjoy them! But as with wine, live a little now and then and see what the state of the art is. It’ll make you feel like a million bucks.
ANYWAY, NOT RECOMMENDED:
Anything from Hanes, Fruit of The Loom, Dickies, Calvin Klein, Champion/C9, Evolve, The Gap/Old Navy, any boxers period. Your mileage (and inchage) may vary.
Continue on to Part II: The Briefening.