Boxer Briefs, Part II: The Briefening

Earlier this year I shared with you, dear fan of Apple products and parbaked design-opinions, some thoughts on ideal nethergarments for men. (For all I know, my advice may be helpful to women as well. However, given the significant differences in pertinent anatomy, I wouldn’t bet on it.) I asked for recommendations and opinions. I was showered with applause mixed with boos mixed with laughter. It was an endearing and derrière-warming endeavor. We emerged from it older, wiser, and hopefully a bit more comfortable in the how’s-it-hanging.

The suggestions kept coming, and I listened. So it is with great pride and an unbunched, you know, area, that I now bring you another three reviews featuring a new winner.

1. Patagonia Men’s Capilene 2 Lightweight Boxer Briefs

This is it, folks - the Mount Rushmore of mangerie, the Taj Mahal for your tender twins, the Brandenburg Concertos of butt covers. Pick them up at your local Patagonia store. Notice anything? No you don’t, because these have no weight or tactile feel detectable by humans. They’re like an elven cock-cloak. H.G. Wells’ invisible man wore these, and you know what? You still couldn’t see him. This is the best boxer brief I’ve ever worn.

It doesn’t hurt to learn that Patagonia is an aggressively nice company, going way out of their way to run a sustainable, responsible, and positive business. You can keep this in mind when you wolf-whistle at the $30 price tag on these bad boys, but you won’t really have to: the comfort alone is worth it.

Please note the “lightweight” in the name of my #1 pick. This is important, as we’ll see in the next recommendation…

Material: A+; Bunching up: B+; Durability: A+; Fit: A+

2. Patagonia Men’s Capilene 2 Silkweight Boxer Briefs

These two products from Patagonia basically embody the chief difference between “soft” and “smooth” fabrics. I’m super happy with these, but my heart belongs to the other. Technically, the Silkweights are actually lighter, but they “feel” more substantial than the Lightweights. The Lightweights are organic, airy, and malleable; the Silkweights precise, metallic, and firm. Like NY vs Chicago-style pizza, this may be a basic dichotomy in the universe, a Cartesian crotch-dualism. Me, I like my pies thin and my wiener buns thinner.

Material: B; Bunching up: B; Durability: A+; Fit: A

3. Lululemon Game On Boxer Brief

These peter-pants were probably the number one recommendation I got on Twitter. Lululemon is a lifestyle brand, and people who like it, love it. The Game Ons are a very good product, far superior to anything you’re likely to pick up in any store that also carries paper towels, DVDs, and Pillow Pets™. But… there’s a butt (mine). I didn’t get past the liking stage and into love territory with these. They cramp my style the way many of these gonadal gloves do: too slippery-silky, not stretchy enough. Where Patagonias are like MagSafe for your package, these are like those screws on a VGA cable. Know what I mean?

I’m also not a huge fan of their visual appearance, but who cares. As they say in Spain, Cojones no tienen ojos.

Material: C+; Bunching up: B; Durability: A; Fit: B

Is my life truly better now that I am willing to travel the seven seas for a chance to try a better boxer brief? My friend, I can honestly say that yes, it is. No longer do I have that one pair I keep pushing back in the drawer until the Singularity arrives and everything’s in the wash and I gotta wear what I gotta wear. Now, even my worst pair of rock tumblers is kind and classy. And that’s something to be thankful for this holiday season.

[If you haven’t already, read Part I: Boxer Briefs]