The Movie

Alright, alright, I’m going to talk fast and I’m going to talk loud. You ready? Here we go.

A thirty-something dude who’s just been dumped by his longtime girlfriend reflects on the relationship as he rearranges his storage unit. Oh and the boxes in the unit are anthropomorphic. That’s my elevator right there, but this baby’s going up to the stratosphere, so don’t stop me now.

So, fun-lovin’, irresponsible manchild, still searching for his true character, blah blah blah, inexplicably hot girlfriend, she gets fed up and dumps him, he now has to clean his stuff out of their shared storage unit. Ok, I’ll give you one scene for free. (The rest are $90,000 per day, haha haha ha.) Gosling - yeah, I’m thinking Ryan Gosling; he’s like the new John Cusack, or will be when we’re done with him. Oh it’s an 80s movie, I’ll get back to that - so Gosling, looking like crap after the breakup, pulls up to this storage unit in his crappy old Hyundai, super-sunny day, storage-unit door opens, dust, cobwebs, maybe a random cat meow in the back. Big exaggerated sigh, a box tumbles down. That’s how the trailer opens right there, there you go.

So he has to sort through this pile of boxes, and as he does so, he kind of pieces their relationship back together. You know what I mean, metaphorically but also not metaphorically. What’s that, is there a word for it? Photos of them together, first beach ball they ever threw to each other, too-big shoes she bought him (but he wore them anyway)… Come on, you’re crying right now, aren’t you. 

Ok so, Gosling, and I’m sure we’ve got Rooney Mara in the bag for the rom-int. Yeah, google her. But now you’re saying, what, we have ONE character? Yeah right. There’s, like, a dozen. Who are they? Other storage-unit owners? Nah. His family? Nope. It's… the boxes. They talk. They have personalities. There’s a sassy one, and old and wised one, a nerd box, a sexy box. (Maybe like, from a Dyson vacuum? Product placement etc.) Now, his guide in the world of storage-unit boxes is Gilbert Gottfried. Yes, THE Gilbert Gottfried. He’s a TV box called Virgil. Cute sidekick, slightly grating, lots of juice, jokes galore. Can’t miss.

I say we play it straight, by the way. The boxes talk, so what. When the first one talks to Ryan, it’s not like WHOA TALKING BOX, it’s more like BOX: “Hey, you look pretty bummed out.” RYAN: “Pshh… Don’t get me started, U-Haul Small Moving Box." 

Ok there’s one more big piece to this puzzle (heehee) and it’s this: guy’s listening to a mixtape while he does this. It’s an 80s movie, right? Mixtape. Mixtape of Russian folk dances. Like, it’s quirky and different, but they’re catchy tunes, actually. And maybe this whole Russian thing, maybe it’s that he also gets in touch with his Russian heritage as he digs through these boxes. His parents’ immigrant photos. One of those furry hats. Gramma’s borscht recipe. Maybe the message is, like, you gotta connect with your roots before you connect with other people.

Also, ok, maybe he finds an old diamond ring or something else valuable - that way we can end with him in a much nicer new Hyundai. Start with an Accent, end with an Equus. Emotional victory for the ladies in the crowd, financial victory for the dudes.

Stacking boxes, Russian tunes. What the hell. Here’s the thing, are you ready? Ok? I’m sitting on a priceless property for this. It’s a - get this - it’s a video game movie. Just imagine how much the kids will freak out when they see this in the trailer:

TETRIS
COMING THIS SUMMER

It’s a metaphor for life is all I’m saying. $20 mil opening weekend, easy. Huge game reboot. Merchandise up your butt. Art and stuff. Call me.